Wood–plastic composites (WPCs) offer a sustainable alternative to solid wood, yet their heterogeneous structure presents challenges in laser machining due to thermal sensitivity and inconsistent material behaviour. This study investigates the optimization of CO₂ laser-cutting parameters for WPCs, focusing on feed rate and assist-gas pressure. Using a 1500 W CO₂ laser, a full factorial experimental design was employed to cut 18 mm thick WPC panels at varying feed rates (1000–3000 mm/min) and gas pressures (1–3 bar). Statistical analyses including MANOVA and linear regression were conducted to evaluate their effects on key machining responses: cutting depth, heat-affected zone (HAZ) width, cut-edge quality, and surface finish. Results indicated that feed rate significantly influences both cutting depth and thermal damage, while gas pressure plays a major role in improving surface quality and reducing HAZ. Optimal combinations were identified for various performance goals, and validation trials at the selected parameters confirmed alignment with predicted outcomes. The optimized settings yielded high-quality cuts with reduced HAZ and enhanced surface characteristics. This study demonstrates the effectiveness of a statistical optimization approach in refining CO₂ laser-cutting conditions for WPCs, offering insights for improved process control and sustainable manufacturing applications. This study also introduces a multi-objective optimization approach that verifies the interaction effects of feed rate and assist-gas pressure, enabling precise and efficient CO₂ laser cutting of 18 mm thick WPCs.